Q: My ex and I do not have a formal holiday schedule because we both followed a religion that did not celebrate holidays. Our children, now 12 and 14, have been brought up that way. Over the last year I have met and married someone who is Christian and I converted. She does not approach Easter as religiously as some, but Easter dinner is a huge family occasion. Her kids and extended family all sit down together. I would love my kids to join us, but my children’s mom is adamant that we continue to approach holidays as we always did and will not allow the children to attend the family dinner, even though the children are scheduled to be with me at that time. The kids are excited and really want to go. She’s threatening to go back to court. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: The faith in which you bring up your children is one of those things that should be discussed well in advance of having children. However, during that discussion, few anticipate how to handle it when parents break up and one changes their faith down the road. Morally, an agreement is an agreement, but when it comes to changing the way one worships, many believe they have now seen the light and want to share this new understanding with their children.
There may be a compromise here. You are talking about a dinner, not attending church. It sounds like this is more a family celebration than a desire to convert the children to a new way of living. Based on that, a conversation about intent may be in order. That may ease mom’s concern.
I understand that she may feel as if you are not holding up your end of the bargain, and that may be coloring her approach. However, rather than get caught up in who is right and who is wrong, the issue before you now is how you will handle raising your children while their parents follow different faiths — without badmouthing each other and confusing your children further.
That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service